It's been a funny old week. To be honest, there are large parts of it that I don't even remember, and for once that isn't down to any kind of drug. I tend to lose time when I'm depressed, so my best guess is that that is what's happening; mood wise, I'm going down.
Depression is a strange thing. Most people think it's simply about having a really low mood, but it is so much more disabling than that. For me, it has an effect on everything; mood, thougt and behaviour. I become an almost completely different person.
I knew in my own small way that I was pushing my luck. I've been high for so long, I really felt that all problems were in the past, and the future was going to be a much brighter place. Now, I am somwhat dreading the weeks to come.
I have been taking lithium carbonate (priadel) at 800mg for almost a year now. I didn't really think it was doing much, but other people tell me I am more together when I take it. I believe that it's made me gain a stone in weight, so I hate it for that already. Mostly I hate the thought that I have to take a medication to remain sane for the rest of my life.
But despite my misgivings, I do acknowledge that the lithium is a neccessity. I was watching tv the other night, and in a somewhat trancelike state, I pulled my toenails out with pliers. I don't mean a little bit; I mean all of them. I am now utterly toenail less. And yes, it is incredibly painful. But at the time, I felt nothing. And it bled like stink, and still I felt nothing. Some people make tea and do the housework on autopilot. It seems that my brain has chosen self torture as a hobby.
I went to see my care coordinator today. Naughty Norman was loitering around the CRT, and I said to him straight 'I have been poisoned and I need you to write me up for a blood test'. He just said 'Yeah, okay', but he went and filled in the forms. At least I will be able to find out if there is anything wrong with me or not, whether he thinks I've lost it or not. Bleurgh, I hate needles. The phlebotomist at the CRT looks like a russian javelin thrower, and takes blood in the same way. She is efficient though, I will give her that.
I was diagnosed as bipolar nine years ago, and have tried many medications since then. They also seem inadequate because there is one thing I want more than anything; to not have the illness. It's human nature to always chase the things we don't have the ability to achieve.
Next appointment with Norman next thursday. I am worried about it, as last week I let slip about the man who I have seen following me for the last twenty years. And my fear of windows and my eating disorder. Hopefully, he will think I was just winding up hyis student. The student was lovely, he's going to make a fabulous RMN.