Thursday, 10 November 2011

Going down

Hey there....

It's been a funny old week.  To be honest, there are large parts of it that I don't even remember, and for once that isn't down to any kind of drug.  I tend to lose time when I'm depressed, so my best guess is that that is what's happening; mood wise, I'm going down.

Depression is a strange thing.  Most people think it's simply about having a really low mood, but it is so much more disabling than that.  For me, it has an effect on everything; mood, thougt and behaviour.  I become an almost completely different person.

I knew in my own small way that I was pushing my luck.  I've been high for so long, I really felt that all problems were in the past, and the future was going to be a much brighter place.  Now, I am somwhat dreading the weeks to come.

I have been taking lithium carbonate (priadel) at 800mg for almost a year now.  I didn't really think it was doing much, but other people tell me I am more together when I take it.  I believe that it's made me gain a stone in weight, so I hate it for that already.  Mostly I hate the thought that I have to take a medication to remain sane for the rest of my life. 

But despite my misgivings, I do acknowledge that the lithium is a neccessity.  I was watching tv the other night, and in a somewhat trancelike state, I pulled my toenails out with pliers.  I don't mean a little bit; I mean all of them.  I am now utterly toenail less.  And yes, it is incredibly painful.  But at the time, I felt nothing.  And it bled like stink, and still I felt nothing.  Some people make tea and do the housework on autopilot.  It seems that my brain has chosen self torture as a hobby.

I went to see my care coordinator today.  Naughty Norman was loitering around the CRT, and I said to him straight 'I have been poisoned and I need you to write me up for a blood test'.  He just said 'Yeah, okay', but he went and filled in the forms.  At least I will be able to find out if there is anything wrong with me or not, whether he thinks I've lost it or not.  Bleurgh, I hate needles.  The phlebotomist at the CRT looks like a russian javelin thrower, and takes blood in the same way.  She is efficient though, I will give her that.

I was diagnosed as bipolar nine years ago, and have tried many medications since then.  They also seem inadequate because there is one thing I want more than anything; to not have the illness.  It's human nature to always  chase the things we don't have the ability to achieve.

Next appointment with Norman next thursday. I am worried about it, as last week I let slip about the man who I have seen following me for the last twenty years.  And my fear of windows and my eating disorder.  Hopefully, he will think I was just winding up hyis student.  The student was lovely, he's going to make a fabulous RMN.

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